314 Highlights from Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff
We’ll see how our culture often has things backward when it comes to kids: We interfere too much. We don’t have enough confidence in our children. We don’t trust their innate ability to know what they need to grow. And in many instances we don’t speak their language.
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In particular our culture focuses almost entirely on one aspect of the parent-child relationship. That’s control—how much control the parent exerts over the child and how much control the child tries to exert over the parent.
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Nobody likes to be controlled. Both children and parents rebel against it. So when we interact with our children in terms of control—whether it’s a parent controlling the child or vice versa—we establish an adversarial relationship. Tensions build. Arguments break out. Power struggles are inevitable. For a little two- or three-year-old who can’t handle emotions these tensions burst out in a physical eruption.
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Parents became the sleep police. “Bedtime was now an opportunity to show who was boss” Christina wrote. Eventually rules for sleep morphed into a moral issue: If your kids aren’t sleeping at optimal times for an optimal amount each day then not only are you a bad parent but look out! Your children are going to have problems later in life—problems in school problems getting a job problems… Well just problems. Lots of problems.
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psychologists Peggy Miller and Grace Cho wrote in their mind-blowing book Self-Esteem in Time and Place published in 2017.
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And when praise greatly outweighs criticism—when parents ignore misdeeds and shortcomings—Miller and Cho worry that parents may be making their own lives harder in the long run. They may be teaching children to be self-centered and to compete with siblings for adult praise and attention. Children may become more vulnerable to depression and anxiety as they grow into adulthood.
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“Parenting questions are some of the hardest problems out there for science. Shooting a rocket to Mars is super easy compared to these questions.”
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Lucia tells me that parents are teaching their children a skill that’s way more complex than simply knowing how to wash dishes or do the laundry: they’re teaching the children to pay attention to their surroundings
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The idea is complex: It’s not just doing a chore or task because someone told you to; it’s knowing which kind of help is appropriate at a particular moment because you’re paying attention.
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But here’s the part that really blows my mind: many times the Maya and Nahua-heritage kids actually enjoy doing chores! Their parents haven’t just taught them acomedido they have also taught the children to value their work and feel proud of their contributions to the household. Helping with chores is a privilege.
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You see when you transmit the value of helpfulness to a child you get a whole bundle of fringe benefits. Kids become healthier mentally and they also become less of a pain in the butt. Why? Because when kids learn to be helpful they also learn to cooperate and to work together with you. So when Dad puts his jacket on in the morning and walks out the door the child follows—no whining no fussing.
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Because here’s the thing about learning to do chores voluntarily: it takes years to learn Maria tells me. “You have to teach them slowly little by little and eventually they will understand.”
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The child has to understand not just how to do the chores but also when to do them and why doing them is important and beneficial to the family—and themselves.
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the whole goal is for children to pay attention to the world around them and learn when particular chores are needed.
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For a Western parent like me the first step is counterintuitive. You have to do almost the exact opposite of what you think makes sense: you have to turn over tasks to the least competent family members in the home.
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“Whenever she wants to help you let her?” I ask still not understanding. “Even if she makes a giant mess?” “Yes. That is the way to teach children.”
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No one understands exactly why toddlers feel so motivated to help (or why rewards appear to diminish the impulse). But it could stem from their strong drive to be around their family and connected to their parents siblings and other caregivers.
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“I think this point is really key” says psychologist Rebeca Mejía-Arauz at ITESO University in Guadalajara. “Doing things with other people makes them happy and is important for their emotional development.”
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Parents see this mess as an investment. If you encourage the incompetent toddler who really wants to do the dishes now then over time they’ll turn into the competent nine-year-old who still wants to help—and who can really make a difference.
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Now there are a few caveats here. Parents don’t accept every offer from a child to help—or let the child do whatever they want
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If the task is too advanced for the child the parent may ignore the child’s request or break the task into a smaller more doable subtask. If the child begins to waste precious resources the parent will guide the child into being more productive or tell them to leave.
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By including a toddler in a task the parent is in effect telling the child “You are a working member of the family who helps and contributes however they can.”
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Psychologists believe that the more a young child practices helping the family even starting as a toddler the more likely they will grow up to be a helpful teenager for whom chores are natural. Early involvement in chores sets the child on a trajectory that leads them to helping voluntarily later in life.
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The key is for you the parent to shift how you think about the child. Encourage a child’s involvement at any age follow the ideas in the next chapter and before you realize it you’ll turn a self-absorbed preteen into a dish-drying dynamo.
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So the first step to raising helpful kids can be summed up in a single phrase: Let them practice. Practice cleaning. Practice cooking. Practice washing. Let them grab the spoon from your hand and stir the pot. Let them grab the vacuum and start cleaning the rug. Let them make a bit of a mess when they are little slightly less of a mess as they grow and by the time they’re preteens they will be helping to clean up your messes without you having to ask them—or even running your entire household.
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The tiniest little staggerer has tasks to perform—to carry water to borrow firebrands to fetch leaves to stuff the pig… learning to run errands tactfully is one of the first lessons of childhood.
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Think: Watch and include “As early as the child can sit sit him next to you while you’re working and he can see what you’re doing” a Yucatec Maya mom told Lucia Alcalá and her colleagues.
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Young Children (from ages 1 to about 6) Think: Show encourage and request help “Once the child starts walking you can begin to ask them to help you.… They can [for example] bring me my shoes from across the room” a Nahua-heritage mom told Rebeca Mejía-Arauz.
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“When I wake up I always clean and make breakfast—and the children are watching me. If you show them how to do it every day they will eventually do it themselves” a Maya mom told me.
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In general any small task is great for young children. Again see what the child shows interest in and welcome their help there. A few principles to keep in mind: 1. The task should be real and it should make a real contribution to the family. The contribution
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doesn’t have to be a large one but it shouldn’t be made up. For example asking a child to “sweep the floor” after you’ve already swept it is not a real task. Nor is asking a child to cut up vegetables only to throw them out. Maybe you retrim the vegetables a bit or help the child finish sweeping but you want to be sure that the child’s work contributes to the family.
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2. The tasks should be doable (or almost). The key is to give young children tasks that are suitable for their personal skill level. It’s better to err on the side of too easy than too hard. If the job is too hard the child will become frustrated and quickly lose interest (or they’ll require too much instruction or
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3. Never force a task. We’ll talk more about this later. For now just keep in mind that forcing a child to do a task can severely undermine their motivation. We’ll learn many tricks for dealing with a stubborn unhelpful child later on but forcing a chore only hinders the teaching of acomedido and
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builds tension. If a child says no or ignores you leave it alone. Try again later. We’re training the child to cooperate not to obey the parent. Part of working together is accepting a child’s preference when they choose not to help.
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It not only teaches children to be more helpful it’s also vital to teaching them to be cooperative members of the family including in their interactions with their siblings.
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Suzanne calls these activities “child-centered.” That is they’re activities solely for kids that parents would not do if they did not have children.
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Instead the parents give their children an even richer experience something that many Western kids do not get much of: real life. Maya parents welcome children into the adult world and give them full access to the adults’ lives including their work.
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says psychologist Rebeca Mejía-Arauz. “Parents don’t need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities that’s play for kids.”
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And then they associate chores with a fun positive activity. They associate it with playing.
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But this approach has several other advantages. First it gives parents a break. Instead of having to schedule pay for and participate in endless child-centered activities parents can lead their normal lives—working or relaxing—while kids follow along learning as they go. Rather than scheduling your life around your child you can simply put your child into your schedule. Moreover humans likely evolved
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But perhaps most important this approach gives kids something missing in many American homes: their team membership card.
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Here in the West we often employ two types of motivation: rewards (e.g. praise gifts stickers allowances) and punishment (e.g. yelling time-outs groundings
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threats). But in many other cultures moms and dads tap into another type of motivation: a child’s drive to fit in with their family and to work together as a team. To belong.
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Kids are wired for this type of cooperation. It’s one of the traits that makes us human. It makes us feel good to work together and help the people who love us.
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But in order for moms and dads to tap into this natural motivation there’s one critical requirement: kids need to feel like they’re full-fledged contributing members of the family.
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By welcoming children into the adult world you confirm that they belong on the family’s team.
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Metaphorically you’re giving them a membership card that they carry around in their back pockets.
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This card tells the child I do what these adults do because I’m part of this group. When the family does laundry I do laundry. When the family cleans I clean. When the family leaves the house in the morning I leave with them. When the family… You name it the kid will follow.
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On the flip side every time we choose an activity devoted to and centered around the child we slowly take away that membership card. We tell children that they’re different from the rest of the family that they’re a bit like a VIP who’s exempt from the family’s work from the adult activities. We erode their motivation to work as a team.
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Make Saturday or Sunday your family membership day. On this day everyone in the family is treated similarly and invited to all the same activities. Replace child-centered activities and child-only entertainment (including child-centered TV YouTube and games) with family-centered and adult activities.
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Focus on immersing the child in the adult world. Do chores around the house in the yard or at the office. Go grocery shopping together. Go to a park and have a picnic with family and friends. Go fishing.
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Take a daily time-out from entertaining and instructing your child. You’ll want to start out small say just five minutes at a time. Then work your way up to where you can do this for a whole Saturday and Sunday.
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During these time-outs just let the children be. Don’t instruct them explain stuff to them or give them toys (or screens) to play with. Let them figure it all out for themselves. Just go about your business and let them tag along with you. Do chores. Do work. Do nothing. Lie on the sofa and read a magazine. At first it might be easier to try this outside of the house. So take the kids to a park and bring a book or some work to do. Sit on a bench and be quiet. If the children whine or complain that they’re bored just ignore it. They’ll figure out a way to stimulate
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If it helps think 20-20-20: For 20 minutes each day I’m at least 20 feet from my children and for 20 minutes I’m silent.
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Minimize (maybe even scrap?) all the child-centered activities. Don’t worry your child will still partake in plenty of these activities at school and with friends and family. But make it a goal to say no to as many birthday
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parties zoo trips playdates and “enrichment outings” as possible. Young children really don’t need these activities.
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I also really love playgrounds if you can believe it. I love watching the birds reading a book or writing in a notebook. I love that playgrounds bring together kids of all ages. But I don’t like playing on a playground. That turns the activity from family-centered to child-centered in my mind. So Rosy and I go to the playground often but I work while she plays. Period.
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Another great litmus test is how your child behaves after an activity. Are they calmer and more cooperative or agitated and more antagonistic? If it’s the latter drop the activity.
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Just last week Rosy spent three hours (!) at an eye appointment with very little fussing and chaos. But when she acts up I remind her: “This is not a place to play. It is a privilege to be here and if you aren’t a big enough girl yet you will have to leave.” When she touches or plays with a piece of equipment I remind her: “These aren’t toys. This is a big girl’s place where we don’t play.”
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Use toys to teach sharing. When you go visit friends ask your child to pick out a toy or book to give to the other family.
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Reconsider your role as a parent and your child’s role in the family. Is your role to keep the child busy and entertained? Or is it to show them life skills and teach them how to work together with others?
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just make sure they’re around while the work is being accomplished. If they resist remind them that they’re part of the family and families work together.
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When you invite the child to help remember the invitation is always to work together. You’re not asking the child to perform the task alone.
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Every task becomes an opportunity to work together and reinforce the child’s membership in the family.
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(Also remember the invitation to help is not an order. The child can say no if they want.)
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This approach consists of four core elements that provide the foundation for the parent-child relationship: togetherness encouragement autonomy and minimal interference.
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If you think about it how can we expect a child to help us if we aren’t helping them when they’re in need? (Or expect that child to help a sibling?)
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For now just realize the less you demand of a child’s attention—through orders directions and corrections—the less the child will demand your attention.
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Togetherness is easy. It’s relaxing. It flows. It’s what happens when we all stop trying to control each other’s actions and simply let each other be.
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had what Ed calls “intrinsic” motivation—the drive to write came from inside me and not from an external reward. With intrinsic motivation the activity is enjoyable on its own; it is “internally rewarding.”
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External influences such as rewards and punishments can actually weaken intrinsic motivation. Sticker charts promises of ice cream time-outs threats of punishment or other consequences often “undermine this type of motivation.”
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Ingredient 1: Sense of connectedness. Connectedness is the feeling of being related to others of belonging to a team or family.
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Ingredient 2: Sense of autonomy. I’ve mentioned autonomy before and it’s so important (so very important) that we’ll devote a whole chapter to it later.
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Ingredient 3: Sense of competency. In order to stay motivated at a task a child needs to have a sense that they’re competent enough to do the job.
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So there’s a sweet spot: the task is challenging enough to keep you interested but also easy enough that you feel competent doing it. This sweet spot is where intrinsic motivation likely occurs.
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“Sometimes they may use facial expressions to show their approval. And these nonverbal expressions are important. They are clear signs of approval”
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When a child’s every positive action garners a “Good job” or “Nice” then praise can undermine their intrinsic motivation making children less likely to do a task in the future.
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Praise has another pitfall—a big one. It can cause strife among siblings because praise breeds competition.
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The lack of praise may be one reason Maya siblings work well together (and fight less than American siblings). They don’t need to compete with one another for verbal kudos.
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Instead of praising children Maya parents acknowledge or accept the child’s idea or contribution to an activity—no matter how inconsequential ridiculous or misshapen that contribution (or tortilla) might be.
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Acknowledgment from parents fuels the child’s interest in a task says psychologist Lucia Alcalá. “I think that it gives the child motivation to help more. A child sees that their contribution matters and they’re helping the family. That’s more powerful than any praise.”
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For example when Alexa makes a misshapen tortilla Maria may fix it slightly before putting it on the skillet. But she doesn’t try to force Alexa to make a better one. She doesn’t lecture Alexa about how to do it. And she
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doesn’t grab the little girl’s hands to help her. Instead Maria acknowledges and values Alexa’s contribution to lunch by accepting the tortillas as she made them. Maria has confidence that eventually Alexa will master tortilla making through practice and watching. Why rush the process? (Rushing would only cause conflict and stress.)
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Instead—and this is key!—the parent pays attention to what the child is doing and then builds off the child’s idea. As a result the parent sets up a beautiful cycle of collaboration wherein the child or parent contributes an idea and the other takes the idea and expands it. Lucia calls this “fluid collaboration.” It’s when two people are working seamlessly together like a single organism with four arms.
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Sometimes a simple comment like “That’s a good idea” is all a child needs to feel included and motivated to stay involved even if you don’t use their idea at all.
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Instead the parent rewards the child for their general helpfulness “as being a contributing member of the family” as Lucia and her colleagues write.
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Point out helpfulness (and unhelpfulness). Instead of praising children for helping with a request switch to acknowledging overall helpfulness.
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A simple statement like “That’s helpful” is all you need when a child shows acomedido or voluntarily helps.
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Acknowledge unhelpful behavior as well. Don’t be afraid to point out when the child isn’t being helpful. “Parents often say sarcastically ‘Don’t be too acomedido’ or ‘Don’t help too much’ ” Lucia says. “That signals to the child to help.”
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Explain the value the task holds for the entire family. Try explaining to the child why helping out is so important—or essential—in the home.
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“Rosy your father and I are working hard to make this house nice for everyone. We are trying our best. As a family member you need to work hard and try your best.”
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Connect the helpfulness to maturity. If a child takes initiative and does a chore voluntarily acknowledge their growth and progress by saying something
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like “Oh you’re starting to learn how to contribute” or “You cleaned up your toys because you’re a big girl.”
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Let the child have fun with the chore. I’m not a big fan of making chores “fun” or turning them into a game. I cannot sustain that energy for very long and I don’t enjoy acting like a three-year-old. But if Rosy comes up with her own way to make the chore more playful I don’t stop her.
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Threaten natural consequences. If you need to use a threat try to make the punishment as close to a natural consequence as possible. For example sometimes I tell Rosy “If we
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don’t clean up the kitchen ants will come and take over the counters. Do you want ants in our food?” Or I say “If we don’t wash your lunch box you will have to eat from a dirty stinky box tomorrow. Do you want that?”
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Point out when you help them. With Rosy I find that pointing out reciprocal responsibility works well to boost her motivation. For example one night she doesn’t help with the dishes. When I ask her to come help she says “I’m tired” and runs away. Ten minutes later she comes back and asks me to help her find her lovie. Then I say something like “Wait did
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Learn to value a child’s contribution. When a child comes over to help with a task listen to their idea.
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Whatever you do suppress the urge to resist. Refrain from interfering with the child or changing their course. If you step back and let a child “take over” a task the child will be way more motivated to help out again in the future than if you reject minimize or ignore their ideas and contributions. • Measure how much you praise your children (and how much you resist them).
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realized I needed to stop talking so much (including praising her) and make a real effort to pay attention to her words and actions. (Psychological anthropologist Suzanne Gaskins had given me similar advice a few months earlier.
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Have praise-free days. Once you realize how much you praise your child try pruning it back. Start small: Set a timer for fifteen minutes and try not to verbally praise the child until the timer goes off. Work your way up to two hours and eventually entire days.
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The steps are: Practice Model Acknowledge 1. Practice. Give kids oodles of practice helping out around the house and working together especially the young ones. Assign tasks invite them over to watch and encourage their desire to participate. 2. Model. Give children their membership cards. Immerse them in your day-to-day life so they can gradually learn chores by watching and can feel like full-fledged members of the family. 3. Acknowledge. When a child tries to help accept their contributions and value their ideas. Respect their vision.
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Tell the child when they are learning the value. Point out the presence of the value (or its absence) in others’ actions. Connect their learning to “growing up” or maturing.
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“Your daughter must be sick of you. That is why she is misbehaving” Sally tells me as we’re having a cup of tea at her mother’s kitchen table. “Rosy needs to be around other kids. You need a break.”
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executive function. Basically it’s a suite of mental processes that help you act thoughtfully instead of impulsively.
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Across the board all the moms and dads mention one golden rule of Inuit parenting: “Never yell at a child” says seventy-four-year-old Sidonie Nirlungayuk who was born in a sod house not far from Kugaaruk. “Our parents never yelled at us never ever.”
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“With little kids you often think they’re pushing your buttons but that’s not what’s going on. They’re upset about something and you have to figure out what it is.”
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“Getting angry at a child has no purpose” says eighty-three-year-old Martha Tikivik. Born in an igloo on Baffin Island she has raised six children. “Getting angry isn’t going to solve your problem. It only stops communication between the child and the mom.”
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“I think that’s why white children don’t listen. Parents have yelled at the children too much.”
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“When we yell at children we are training them not to listen” she tells me. “A lot of times parents will say ‘But he won’t listen until I raise my voice’ and I say ‘Okay. Raise your voice to get him to listen and then you’ll always have to raise your voice.’ ”
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Think back to the formula—to train a child to behave in a certain way we need two main ingredients and a dash of a third: practice modeling and if necessary acknowledging. When we yell and get angry at children we model being angry. Since children often yell back at us we give them oodles of practice at yelling and getting angry at us. And then if we yell back again after they yell at us we acknowledge and accept their anger.
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it’s a two-step process: 1. Stop talking. Just stay quiet. Don’t say anything. 2. Learn to have less—or even no anger toward children. (Note: I’m not talking about controlling your anger when it arises but rather generating less anger in the first place.)
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As we’ll explore in the next section remaining quiet and calm helps the child do the same.
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Walk away. For a few minutes even a few seconds I just walk away. You can leave the room. Get
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Over and over again Inuit elders offer three rules to help parents keep a cool head when children lose theirs: • Expect children to misbehave.
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Expect them to be rude violent and bossy. Expect them to make a mess do tasks improperly and sometimes be an overall pain in the butt.
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Don’t take it personally (or think you’re a bad parent). It’s just how children are made. And it’s your job as the parent to teach them how to behave acceptably and control their emotions.
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“Little children don’t have understanding yet” she says. “They don’t understand what’s right and wrong what respect is how to listen. Parents must teach them.”
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The Utku [Inuit] expect little children to be easily angered (urulu qiquq ningaq)… and to cry easily when disturbed (huqu) because they have no ihuma: no mind thought reason or understanding. Adults say they are not concerned (huqu naklik) by a child’s irrational fears and rages because they know there is nothing really wrong.…
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Stop arguing with small children. Sidonie Nirlungayuk age seventy-four puts it quite eloquently: “Even when a child mistreats you you don’t fight back with a young child” she says. “Just leave the point alone. Whatever is wrong… eventually the behavior will get better.”
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The same is true in the Yucatán and Tanzania. Parents simply don’t argue with children. Instead they make a request and wait silently for the child to comply. And if the child refuses the parents may make a comment walk away or turn their attention elsewhere.II
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Okay now we have two rules for reducing our anger toward children: expect misbehavior and never argue.
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Forcing a child will never help. Tell them about their mistakes honestly. Eventually they will learn.
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In many hunter-gatherer cultures parents rarely scold or punish a child. They rarely insist that a child comply with a request or behave in a certain way. They believe that trying to control a child prevents their development and simply stresses the parent-child relationship.
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“Parenting is a two-way street” she says. Adults don’t like being forced to do something or act a certain way; children feel the same way.
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Just note: encouragement and training sometimes take time. These aren’t quick fixes but they are steps toward deep changes that will persist as the child grows. Along the way you’ll give your child a gift that helps them throughout their lifetime—strong executive function.
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For example to help children and toddlers learn to share with a new baby sibling some Maya parents will tap into the child’s desire to be a “big sister” or “big brother” and to take care of younger children. “It’s your younger sibling the poor thing. Give him a little” the parent will say implying that the child needs to help the baby sibling.
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In Kugaaruk the higher the energy a child brings to the situation the lower in energy the parent goes.
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They make very few movements (movement is stimulating). And they show very little expression on their faces (again emotion is stimulating).
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Why is this strategy so darn effective? It’s pretty simple: children’s emotions—and energy level—mirror those of their parents says child psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson who has coauthored two New York Times–bestselling parenting books.
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“Emotions are contagious” Tina says. The human brain contains neurons and circuitry with the sole purpose of mirroring other people’s emotions.
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There’s no question about it: parenting with calmness works. And here’s the amazing part: the sheer act of the parent being calm has a massive influence on an upset child not just in the moment but over the long run. Over time the child learns to calm herself down without the parent’s aid Tina says.
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“We need to model calmness. We have to be regulating our own internal states first before we expect our children to learn to regulate theirs.”
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And Sally through physicality has calmed him—while also showing him who’s strong and loving (aka who’s boss).
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The moms practice an incredibly sophisticated psychological tool with children from ages one to sixteen: they teach them to replace anger with awe.
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As Lisa views it emotions act a bit like muscles. If you don’t use them you lose them. And the more you flex particular ones the stronger they become.
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So the more you experience awe—the more you flex this neural muscle in your brain—the easier it becomes to access this
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emotion in the future. When you start to feel an unproductive emotion such as anger you can more easily swap that negative feeling for a positive one such as awe. When you feel annoyance you can swap it for gratitude.
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“When children are small and out of control it is because they have been in the house or igloo too long” she says. “Let them be outside for a few minutes.”
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In my experience Rosy no longer wants me to pick her up when she gets upset. So instead I gently take her hand and lead her outside. If I say anything at all I tell her something like “Let’s get some fresh air. You’ll feel better in a few minutes.” But in general you don’t need any words. Your calm gentle action is enough.
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Remind yourself that children don’t have the emotional skills that we adults do. We need to show them how calmness works over and over again before we can expect them to master the concept.
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In other words you use these tools for encouraging and guiding versus demanding and forcing.
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“Tell them the consequences of their behavior. Tell them the truth” says Theresa Sikkuark.
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Inuit parents think more highly of children than that. They believe that even young children can think for themselves—or at least they can learn to. So they give a child useful information about their behavior. They give the child a reason to think twice about continuing to do it.
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“Too loud. You will give me a headache.” When she doesn’t share a toy with a friend I say “Kian won’t want to come over and visit if you don’t share.” And so on. (I always try to say it as calmly and emotionless as possible. Any sternness or condemnation will just start a fight.)
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But Maria’s suggestion has a broad meaning behind it one that I can put to use in our San Francisco home: misbehavior is a child’s way of asking for more responsibility more ways to contribute to the family and more freedom. When a child breaks rules acts demanding or seems “willful” their parents need to put them to work.
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“Looks like Mango is hungry. You know little girls can’t make requests if they’re not helpful. Go feed the dog and then we’ll fix the song.”
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I think this low-talk parenting style is a big reason kids in these cultures seem so calm. Fewer words create less resistance. Fewer words cause less stress.
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After I observe how well this low-talk parenting works over and over again both in the Arctic and in the Yucatán I begin to question my own verbose parenting style. Why do I constantly talk to Rosy? Narrate? Ask? Supply choices? Taking action seems way more powerful.
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Offering options frequently generates negotiations unneeded decisions and eventually tears.
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So parents can teach children which emotions aren’t valued in the home by not responding to those emotions.
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We engage with a misbehaving child ask them questions and issue demands. “If you say ‘Stop it’ that’s attention” Batja says.
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Remember the formula. The stronger we respond to a child’s misbehavior—even in a negative way—the more we acknowledge that behavior and in essence the more we train the child to behave that way.
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“Look around the house and see what needs to be done” one mom told me in Kugaaruk. “There’s always a way that children can help out in the house.”
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This is a tough one because these words are entrenched in our dialogue with children. But even cutting out half of your dos and don’ts will have a big impact on your relationship with your child.
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The next time you would like to change your child’s behavior pause for a moment. Wait before you talk. Think about why you are issuing this command. What is the consequence of their behavior? Why are you trying to change it? Or even what do you fear will happen if the child continues that behavior?
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Then tell the child the answer to one of these questions and let them be. That’s it! You don’t need to say anything else.
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When a child is upset or defying the parent the child is too emotionally charged to listen. So there’s no reason to try to teach the child a “big lesson” in those moments. “You have to remain calm and wait for the child to calm down. Then you can teach the child” she says.
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After meeting Myna I start to see Rosy’s misbehavior in a different light. I realize that many times when I think she is “pushing boundaries” (or my buttons) she is actually trying to practice the proper behavior. She keeps repeating the wrong behavior over and over again until she finally makes the right decision.
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1. Make sure neither you nor the child feels upset angry or emotionally charged when you work with these tools. Play happens when everyone is relaxed and peaceful.
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2. Keep the tone fun and light. Try to keep a smile on your face or a wink in your eye. This is not the time for lessons or lectures. This is the time for kids to feel safe to misbehave and try out new skills without any worry of upsetting parents.
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“Deciding what another person should do no matter what his age is outside the Yequana vocabulary of behaviors” Jean Liedloff writes about the Yequana tribe in Venezuela. “A child’s will is his motive force.”
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But they parent from a different vantage: they believe that children know best how to learn and grow.
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Why? Why do I feel the need to control Rosy’s behavior so much? To guide and narrow her path through the world?
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I reach a simple conclusion: I think this is what a good parent does. I believe that the more I say to Rosy—and the more I instruct her—the better parent I am.
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I’m far from the first to notice such a paradox. Many anthropologists psychologists and journalists have written about this. After living with the Ju/’hoan hunter-gatherers in the Kalahari Desert writer Elizabeth Marshall Thomas eloquently
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“Free from frustration or anxiety… the Ju/’hoan children were every parent’s dream. No culture can ever have raised better more intelligent more likable more confident children.”
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That said one factor seems to be especially critical to raising confident kind kids: Hadzabe children don’t simply have freedom or independence; they have autonomy. And that makes all the difference in the world.
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The difference has to do with connectivity. Independence means not needing or not being influenced by others. An independent child operates like a solitary planet. They’re disconnected. They have no obligations to their family or their community around them. And in return the family and community have no expectations of the child.
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These children are not solitary planets. They belong to a solar system circling around each other feeling and stabilized by each other’s gravity. Those connections come in two ways: responsibilities to others and an invisible safety net.
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By sprinkling these requests into daily activities parents train the children to orient their activities and attention toward others says psychologist Sheina Lew-Levy.
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Children learn to be on the lookout for what other people need and then to hop in and help whenever they can.
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This approach really is a beautiful way to parent because it gives a child two things they crave and need: freedom and teamwork.
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It’s the combination that makes the peach taste so good. The same goes for raising kind children. Freedom (sweetness) on its own can generate selfish kids. But add a pinch of teamwork (tartness) and the child bursts with generosity and confidence. They become the perfect peach.
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One night back home in San Francisco Rosy eloquently sums up this style of parenting at dinner: “Everyone does what they want but they must be kind share and be helpful.”
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“Like exercise and sleep it appears to be good for virtually everything” neuropsychologist William Stixrud and educator Ned Johnson write in their book The Self-Driven Child.
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In essence when I step back wait-a-bit and let Rosy handle the world on her own I convey several important messages to her. I tell her that she’s capable and self-sufficient; that she can solve problems on her own; and that she can handle what life throws at her. Think back to the formula. By letting Rosy act on her own I give her opportunities to practice being self-sufficient and independent. And I model respect for others.
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On the flip side when I constantly instruct and guide her actions I undermine her confidence even as I try to help her. I give her opportunities to practice dependency and neediness. And I model bossy demanding behavior.
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But my bossiness has another disadvantage: it slows down Rosy’s growth both physically and mentally. The Hadzabe families have noticed this effect on children. “Because we give children so much freedom and because they participate in all activities from an early age our children are independent much earlier than in most societies” a group of elders explained in the book Hadzabe: By the Light of a Million Fires.
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Autonomy provides the “antidote to this stress” Bill and Ned write. When you feel like you have influence over your immediate situation and the direction of your life stress goes down the brain relaxes and life gets easier.
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“The biggest gift parents can give their children is the opportunity to make their own decisions” psychologist
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1. Decrease your commands and other verbal input (e.g. questions requests choices). 2. Empower the child by training them to handle obstacles and dangers which in turn allows you to reduce your commands.
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“At a store or with an instructor or coach you might even physically hang back and avoid eye contact so that it’s clear to the adult that your child will be doing the talking” former Stanford
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But the idea remains the same across the board: Use the formula! Practice model and acknowledge.
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Step back. Sit down somewhere pull out a book (or work) and relax. Let the child explore autonomously. Count your commands and go for three per hour.
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In southern India the Nayaka hunter-gatherers value alloparents so much that they have a special name for them: sonta which roughly means a group of people who are as close as siblings. Adults call all the children around their home “son” or “daughter” or maga(n) and all the older people in their community “little father” cikappa(n) and “little mother” cikawa(l).
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Western culture currently underestimates the value of child-to-child teaching says psychologist Sheina Lew-Levy who studies the BaYaka hunter-gatherers in central Africa. “We think teaching occurs when a more knowledgeable adult instructs a younger individual but in my research I found that not to be the case. I found child-to-child teaching to be much more common after infancy” she says.
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“Just spending time with others even if you aren’t interacting can lower your blood pressure and have a calming effect” says psychologist Bert Uchino at the University of Utah who studies how loneliness affects our physical health.
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Some anthropologists believe that alloparenting gives children something that sounds almost magical: trust in the world.
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Maybe the problem wasn’t me after all. Instead maybe the problem lies in Western culture—how we think parenting should work and how we bring new babies into this world.
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Perhaps I am coming to see that what Rosy needs isn’t another extracurricular activity after school or an extra study session on the weekends. Rather she needs time with a few key adults and children who know and love her just as much as her father and I do. What she needs is a circle of love that will lift her up and give her trust in the world.
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For children of any age simply use the formula: provide opportunities to practice model the behavior you want and connect the care to maturity.
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Maria values togetherness encouragement (instead of force) autonomy and minimal interference. She practices TEAM parenting.
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In this book we’ve learned an alternative approach to these two dichotomies. With TEAM parenting the mom and dad set the daily agenda and overall schedule for the whole family. They go about their business around the home and community and expect the kids to
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They know that actions and modeling will prove much more effective—and much less stressful—than issuing instructions and commands.
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In essence if a parent doesn’t demand and control a child’s attention the child won’t demand and control the parent’s attention.
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We can join the millions of parents around the world—and across history—who step behind the child wait-a-bit and let the child make their own decisions; let them make their own mistakes; and let them make their own types of kebabs. We or an alloparent will be standing behind them with our arms outstretched ready to catch them if they fall.
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I sketch out the “formula”—the three ingredients for training a child to do anything you want: 1 cup of practice + 1 cup
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Think back to the formula: practice model and acknowledge. At bedtime I have given Rosy the opportunity to practice arguing screaming and issuing demands (e.g. “I need food” “I need milk” “I need another book”). I have modeled impatience and bossiness—some might even say demanding behavior (“You have to brush your teeth right now Rosemary Jane”). Finally I have given so
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much attention to the wrong behaviors. I have acknowledged (negatively but intensely) all of Rosy’s antics. I have met Rosy’s high energy with high energy. And thus day after day month after month and year after year bedtime has become harder and harder.
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And along the way I sharpened my TEAM parenting skills: Togetherness: We did bedtime together. Encourage: I encouraged Rosy to go to sleep instead of forcing her at a particular time. Autonomy: Rosy decided on her own when to go upstairs to go to sleep. Minimize interference: Instead of controlling Rosy’s behavior I did what was minimally required to help her learn a valuable life skill.
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